Chapter 4
The damages of masturbation: All the
sequels that masturbation left on me
part two: Mental problems
1: Anxiety and fear
As I said before, the kidneys are seriously
affected by masturbation, and they are responsible for controlling fear. The
problem of masturbation and my inability to stop has marked me with serious
social anxiety problems, although of course, the pandemic and marijuana did not
help either. It is very difficult for me to be in places where people gather,
social events, where there are many women, I feel that I do not belong, that my
presence does not make sense and, the worst part, it affects me to think that perhaps
people perceive what I really am. The problem appears when I am aware of the
difference between my reduced energy due to masturbation and my vibrant energy
due to retention, it is something that makes me feel proud and sure of myself,
and of course, sometimes I have to suffer the opposite case. I have made great
strides in dealing with this problem by addressing other pain points in my
personality that are not directly related to masturbation but rather to
childhood and adolescent trauma.
2: Low energy and depression
Masturbation leaves me without energy,
without the desire to do anything, without creativity, without the drive to
live, in many cases leading me to the most unbearable depression, to the point
of wanting to kill myself for not being able to overcome the vice. It takes me
away from everything I want to achieve, from music, from exercise, from health
in general. Luckily, the lost energy is something that is recovered a few days
after finishing, but each relapse is a wound, another laceration to my weak
psyche. The desire to stop fapping became a weight on my shoulders, a huge
weight that I must carry in silence, because it is a weight that I am ashamed
of, it is a dark side that I do not want to have, it makes me feel a little
man, a slave, and a stupid after finishing. Many times I continue to hurt
myself in other ways, whether it's smoking marijuana, or buying unhealthy fast
food, or hitting or cutting myself, making things a thousand times worse to the
point of not even wanting to sleep so I don't have to make it to the next day alive,
because I want to self-destruct, let myself drift, let off steam, feel free in
some way, but I just fall into the same traps over and over again, because
without them, life seems bland and unbearable. With them it is chaotic, I feel
disgusted but fierce, like a wild beast enclosed in four walls that I want to
demolish with all my contained rage, an explosive anger that I continue to
detonate over and over again against myself because I cannot do it with who I
would like, shadows of a past that I cannot change.
3: The contemplation of emptiness, the denial of orgasm
There is a void, an instant, in which after
finishing I stare at nothing, and I feel light, as if nothing makes sense
anymore and I can finally rest. It only lasts for an instant, a few minutes
maybe, but I feel so relaxed, I refuse to accept defeat, or maybe I let the
idea sink in slowly. This feeling is much more powerful when I have been in
retention for several days, it is like a fall, as if I was stunned for not
understanding what had just happened. I only know that at that moment I no
longer have to fight, for a while the fight is over , the weight of my
shoulders disappears, the desire to reach a goal vanishes, and then I go into a
tailspin when I have to stop to go to the bathroom, to face myself and see
myself stained with my essence, disgusting, again and again without ever be
able to understand why. That's when anguish takes over my stomach, and I feel
like curling up on the floor and crying, but if I'm proud of anything, it's
that I accept my actions.
In most relapses, especially those of a few
days, I can breathe, keep my composure and move on, ready for another try,
because I know that this is the only way I will ever achieve it and because I
know that feeling bad about failing it won't help me at all. Only the one who
stops trying fails and I will never give up.
This phenomenon that I call the
contemplation of emptiness is what happens after something very sad, which is
the denial of orgasm.
When I'm masturbating, lost in my impulses,
when I find myself unable to stop and reach the point of no return, I refuse to
enjoy orgasm, because I know what it means for my struggle, it means relapse.
This is how one of the most exquisite sensations that the human body can
experience without having to resort to a substance, becomes a bitter event and
ends up classifying me as a "docile prey of pleasure". Just as I'm
about to climax, that electrical energy is blackened, covered in a thick layer
of tar that disintegrates into ash, not even allowing me to smile.
It is sad because my pleasure no longer
belongs to me but to the artifact, it is the cell phone or the image that it
creates in my head that collects the energy and I am left with dirty and empty
hands, I go through a moment of sadness and denial and then I am ready to
succumb again, to give in again, as if squeezed or, to be more explicit,
milked. This is how my capacity is limited, and I am forced to live with the
ability to see the chains, but without having the strength to free myself from
them. The worst thing is that I not only see the chains, but I also see them,
smiling in the shadows.
4: Dreams of an endless fight
This usually happens after several days of
abstinence. I begin to dream that I fail, that I fall to temptation or that I
am in a constant fight with an irrepressible enemy or that I never get anywhere,
the last one in particular is really exhausting. This bothers me a lot because
I use dreams as a creative and spiritual tool and because of this problem, my
dreams tend to be affected.
Sometimes I have erotic dreams that when I
wake up lead me to relapse, before I saw them as a reward, now I realized that
they are also a trap because the change must be total, although I know that to
reach that level of "cleanliness" I must be patient and have faith.
It is normal for me to doubt my dreams, even though I am firm when I am awake,
I have fallen so many times that my head no longer knows what to believe.
5: The hamster circle or the self-destruct routine
As I mentioned before, it is normal that
after a relapse I seek to harm myself in another way, usually by smoking or
ordering fast food, however, there is something contradictory in this series of
insane actions because in general I like to be high and eat that crap, even
though I know it hurts me.
I must be clear, marijuana has hit me very
badly to the point of feeling that my head or my liver are about to explode and
I say “this is the last one”. This is true, now, even so, I appreciate those
moments when I suffer from something external to me, even if I caused it
myself, I embrace that pain, mixed with dizziness, as if it were the price to
pay to be able to be outside of me, to stop being me for a few hours. It is
also true that sometimes it happens the other way around, I masturbate to leave
behind the pain that smoking causes me, but well, I will try to delve into this
a little later.
But what is really frustrating are those
ups and downs, those little circles of two, three, five days in which I think
I'm going to get out and then I fall again... it's in those moments that I feel
most imprisoned, in those that I have less control and in which I think that
all my words, all my attempts, are meaningless because there is a force beyond
that leads me to put my hand in my pants.
A part of me thinks that those mini-streaks
are due to the fact that it would affect me terribly to reach a good streak of,
say, ten days and then relapse, so to avoid that, I stay in the little one, not
because I am very excited, with a lot of energy , but for fear of facing big
failures, it is then that my circle of thought is reduced, and that reduced
structure is transferred to all my actions: talking to fewer people, not
risking even if the prize is great, not lifting much in the gym... it's really
tiring. I don't know how many "1 days" I have lived, but there have
been many, it is like restarting my life, but knowing that time passes, that I
have lost many opportunities that will not come back and that I am slowly
deteriorating in this hamster wheel where I run and run and always return to
the starting point. Without a doubt this was one of the negative effects caused
not so much by masturbation but by my obsession with NoFap.
No comments:
Post a Comment