How masturbation harmed me in my affective relationships.

 

Chapter 3
My relationships with the opposite sex: How masturbation harmed me in my affective relationships.

I have been very lucky with my partners, I would like to make that clear from the start, I have more compliments than complaints from the girls I had the pleasure of spending time with in my life.

Let's start with the first, and most important; Sabrina.

Sabrina was my first girlfriend and the only girl I ever loved, she has been in my head since the day we broke up, I have never stopped thinking about her and I have not found anyone who will allow me to get over her, in turn, her memory has affected all my subsequent relationships, as it leads me to find her in other faces, in other bodies, in other voices, sometimes unconsciously, sometimes with intention, I'm not sure of what, but I enjoy finding the similarities. I make the mistake of comparing other couples with her, but I am surprised by the resemblances.

The sex with Sabrina was great, at least that's how I remember it, we were only together for a short time, but I feel like it was getting better and better, until I ended it.

Sabrina was willing to put in an IUD so that I wouldn't have to learn to wear a cover, which is something I'm very nervous about and still struggle with to this day. This "gift" from Sabrina ended up limiting me a lot and making me go to the point of crying about not putting on a condom, and even when I can do it, the sensitivity is not the same and it's not fun. For me, sex with a condom is not sex, I don't feel anything.

It is very likely that nofap will help me with this problem since it increases sensitivity by not subjecting the member to constant stimuli, but it will not solve the jitters that are generated by a condom, having a record of bad experiences with that method.

When I was with Sabrina I still didn't see masturbation as a problem, I remember her questioning me about knowing the names of porn actresses and asking me not to masturbate so I would have more energy when I fucked her. In those times I guess I was masturbating to regular porn or sexting with her, anyway, it was a different time, I was younger, it was my first experience, I had nothing to compare it to.

Back to the story of my relationship, Maybe masturbation and pornography played a role in my decision to end it.

In porn you don't have to put up with boring chats, arguments, dinners with parents, travelling, it's all there, you can have instant pleasure at the flick of a finger, and I didn't know what other relationships could be like to be able to compare.  The truth is that I didn't value her or the others, I was always wanting more, or to go back, to relive old sensations... all because of porn, because of that illusion that you have thousands of girls to choose from, that they are all available for you and that you don't have to commit to any of them, that they are all bitches eager for your member, and that they are ready for anything, they are not human, they are mannequins designed to fulfil your fantasies, at least that's how the industry wants to present them.

When I'm with a girl, and especially the first few times, I feel like I'm not there, like I don't deserve to be there or I don't understand how I got into that situation that, for me, a few years ago, seemed so alien to my possibilities. As I recalled, I lost my virginity at 18, and I spent my entire adolescence thinking that the opportunity might never come, it still feels strange to me, and I find it impossible not to dissociate, sure, it affects my performance, but, being honest, I know it's not only due to my late entry into sex but also to my consumption of pornography.

Being used to giving myself solitary pleasure I find it hard to establish a physical connection with another person, I am responsible for my own pleasure and I am the only one capable of bringing me to climax. I've rarely had a girl make me come without me having to masturbate.

Worst of all, I am attracted to my partners, I do fantasise about them, even when we are no longer together, especially when we are no longer together, but the fantasy is always more satisfying than the reality because I am not looking to connect but to feel selfish pleasure.

Even so, I find a good side to this "insensitivity for PMO" and that is that I have almost never suffered from triggers and I can last a long time in bed if my physical performance is optimal and I'm not tired, besides, because of my personality, I focus on giving pleasure. This is sometimes a problem because, like me, some girls are masters of their own pleasure and prefer to do the work themselves. I hate that, it makes me feel useless, weak and incapable. Sabrina never masturbated and there wasn't a time when she didn't orgasm, she was amazing, I never met a girl with such easy orgasms like her again, she made me feel so powerful, as if I owned her.

It is also very common to meet the girl who needs to satisfy me to feel attractive. A relationship where we both have the same problem cannot work.

I have thought a lot about this dilemma, and today I feel that it can be considered a sign of weakness, of poor masculinity. I live with the contradiction of wanting to satisfy the other when I am unable for the other to satisfy me, that is, I try to compensate for this unavailability to receive pleasure, by giving it excessively, and of course, it is normal that this mechanic ends up boring me or overwhelming the other person.

I have shared my problem with almost all my partners, almost all of them were understanding and helped me in my struggle, but they didn't take it so seriously either.

I have felt martyred for masturbating days or even hours before being with a girl, knowing that my performance depends largely on my abstinence, but many times the anxiety of the encounter led me to masturbate and to feel that I had ruined it, there were times when I got sad and we were not even going to have sex, but I felt that my attractiveness, my sexual energy, was vaporized, slipping through my hands, never better said.

Once I managed to date the girl of my dreams, I was on my longest no fap streak, 36 days. After we met I masturbated, I didn't get to finish, but just that one tiny slip was enough to disrupt my energy.

After the second date she didn't want to see me again.

Obviously not everything was due to the brief relapse, I had serious self-esteem problems, I was really very insecure and that event helped me to try to improve in other aspects of my life, so I am also grateful.

I look forward to the day when I feel I own my sexual power, and nothing dominates me, nothing drags me down, and being aware to look for true connection, not just carnal pleasure.