My story with porn and masturbation: how it all started

I don't remember the first time I masturbated, but I do remember the first time I ejaculated, and it was watching porn. I remember the video clearly, it was a police officer having sex with a thief in a parking lot, the man was wearing a condom. I remember the sensation, incredible, magical, as if my soul left my body between rattles, the orgasm was and is the strongest drug I have ever felt in my life. I remember getting semen all over my clothes, asking a more experienced friend if it came out with water, I don't remember washing it, maybe I rinsed it off and left it on the floor for mom to wash.

They were lonely afternoons, hours in front of the computer, sometimes I would hide when my parents came and I would start doing something else, but I was almost always there, in front of the monitor, and many times it was playing porn games, anime, or parodies of cartoons, the emotion was so much that sometimes I rubbed my penis on the screen, longing to get inside, that's something I did again recently, but with my tongue, I suffer from a crazy desire to kiss what I see.

Back then I was masturbating maybe twice a day, I don't remember any side effects, I was in the good health of purest youth. There was a time when I masturbated five times, with ejaculation. I wanted to see how many times I could do it. Now I barely make it to three, although I haven't tested myself, I wouldn't try to do it again. Perhaps now I ejaculate less, but without a doubt I masturbate much more, compulsively. In essence it was the same as now, this endless search to find something new, to find something better, something that would excite me more, the need for novelty continues to this day and that is why I have fallen so low, in horrible places that made me feel sorry and ashamed of myself.

Obviously nothing motivated me as much as that, the adrenaline, the emotion, everything was concentrated in that moment, and I wanted to be alone, although I remember a day when a friend came and we watched porn together, that was strange, he was not and is not a very sexual person, but we saw him with total naturalness, like someone watching a soccer game. Back then I didn't have a phone, so I couldn't spend entire mornings watching porn, luckily, but there were nights when I stayed up late to watch porn at night in front of the PC, while my parents slept. Unfortunately, I don't have many memories of that stage. Is it because of that? Or maybe it was because I smoked too much marijuana during college and that previous stage was erased from my life.

There are no photos either, but well, it was a stage in which masturbation was not a problem, I did not see it as a vice, for me it was as normal as playing videogames, in fact, they were two activities that were very close, but I was completely unaware of the damage it was doing to my head, I didn't fight against it, I did it and that's it. Maybe that was an advantage, being ignorant of the damage spared me the guilt and pressure of trying to quit, which also consumes me today, but in a different way.

The sudden presence of my parents became a nuisance, I didn't want them to be there interrupting my moment, I wanted them to leave me alone because what I was doing was something private, and I had no privacy. Actually, I did, but I didn't have the PC in my room, I don't remember masturbating with memories or fantasies in my early days, I would like to find the moment when everything got out of hand...

The issue of living together and that I didn't have a private space to do it saved me a bit from consuming myself, the obligations of high school and the curricular activities also required a lot of time and effort, and I had something more important to worry about; the dysplasia.

Maxillary dysplasia became my biggest insecurity in life, I couldn't even think about being with a girl, but I masturbated looking at her Facebook photos, all my classmates, girls from piano classes, my piano teacher, the employees of my father's hardware store, the volleyball teammates, in short, I used Facebook practically only for that, hours and hours watching that, it didn't matter that I didn't like the girl so much, because the fantasy of possessing her was enough for me, but I stayed with it.

The truth is that I never consumed a lot of traditional pornography, I mean, on video pages, because I was quickly saturated and I couldn't find anything that I liked very much. I also have to take into account the fact that my heart was broken when I was very young and I didn't try anything with anyone again until I was 17, I didn't have a girlfriend in high school, I hadn't even had my first kiss, maybe I was also very demanding because the content that I consumed, highly fanciful, set the bar very high, it is very difficult to find the right cause by just remembering and without anyone to guide me by asking the right questions.

I also remember staying up until the wee hours to watch porn movies that were showing on the Metro, those movies were different, special, well produced, and they weren't completely graphic, but rather erotic. When the fantasy is too close to reality it is not so satisfying, and it is not satisfactory for me either when they give me everything to see, something must remain private, something must generate tension, desire, desire to be able to see more, to discover. That is why sometimes it is more exciting to see how a woman takes off her clothes than her when she is already completely naked, because there is nothing left to see.

That's why I think that porn forbade me to become a man of action and limited me to being a mere observer, I love to observe women but when it comes time for action, my legs shake, I think I'm going to fail, and my heart races. I know what I have to do, I am well informed, but the fear of failing paralyzes me, at least the first few times, all because I grew up with the comfort of the spectator, the one who gets pleasure without any effort.

To start taking action you have to detach yourself from the screen, connect with your body and look at the real world, one step at a time, taking action can completely change your entire life experience, in fact, it is the only thing that can help you improve. But to achieve it, to avoid remaining paralyzed, you must first detoxify yourself from what keeps you sluggish, you must erase it from your possibilities, so as not to fall back into the stupid pit of comfort, where nothing grows, where you are just a bum, and all your integrity fades with every minute wasted in pornography